One day while crying over my newly developed stretch marks, I knew it was time to make a change. My weight has always been a continuous journey of trial and error. This process has tested my ability to remain strong, one that has revealed my weaknesses, but has also empowered me to finally put myself first. This time around although it feels like I am starting from scratch I have realized that I'm not, I am starting with experience. I have learned over the years that my body works best when I am active and allowing myself to indulge in foods I love just in moderation! Each person is different and if you’re not willing to find the right umbrella to stick out the storm then you will never get to see your rainbow. I have reconnected differently with Fort Hill as it has become my second home. I use the fitness center and have found endless benefits in the group fitness classes. If it wasn't for my first Cycle 30/30 class with Lisa, where everyone welcomed me with open arms, kept in touch when I missed a class, I wouldn't be where I am today. Fort Hill is a place where I feel comfortable to be myself. I am inspired by my surroundings; greeted with a hello when I walk in and a goodbye when I walk out. I have been able to see my body transform through progress pictures and I am shocked to see what our bodies are capable of achieving. We always wish we could see ourselves through other eyes and I’m sharing this because for the first time I feel like I can see how others see me. I have lost 35 pounds and I feel amazing! I look at the scale and wish I didn't give in to the destruction of Covid but I know that I continue to be a work in progress and that is okay. I’m hopeful that my journey and experiences at Fort Hill will lead me to a long lasting change.
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“She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn’t beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down in her soul. She was beautiful.”
-F. Scott Fitzgerald My weight loss has been a continuous journey of trial and error. This time has felt like a 3 round boxing match between myself and my anxiety, my thoughts and my ability to overthink everything. Round 1: My Anxiety My anxiety is unpredictable and most of the time it is hard to predict the cause. Once that switch is activated it can take on many forms and come off in many different ways:
Clearly you can see my point. It's sometimes manageable and on other occasions it consumes my days, weeks and months. It takes me away from not only myself but also the people around me. I feel bad for those who have to face the wrath of my anxiety monsters. Rather than focusing on how to help myself through my anxiety, I tend feel guilty with how I treat people closet to me when I cannot manage anxiety, which then spirals me into My Thoughts..... Ding Ding Round 2 here we come. Round 2: My Thoughts When my anxiety cannot be managed and the guilt of how I come off to others cannot be contained, my thoughts tend to take control. My brain wants to take me on a journey to every possible scenario as to why I maybe anxious, why I responded to a message a certain way, why I should or shouldn't have done something, or why I am feeling a certain way. I call this the never ending spiral, where my growth mindset transitions to a fixed mindset and everything feels unmanageable and unfixable. Over the last few months my thoughts have ruined my ability to communicate with my closet friends, my ability to stay consistent with my eating and remaining active, and my ability not to get frustrated over conversations not going as planned. As I go through therapy and learning new skills to understand what my thoughts and mind are trying to accomplish, I realize that I cannot make people like me nor can I chase those who promised they would stick around. Changes happen whether we like them or not and I need to accept the things I cannot change and appreciate those who have stuck around rather than feeling like a burden. With all these changes now my thoughts turn into obsessively overthinking everything. Round 3: My Ability to Overthink Everything My ability to overthink everything has always been apart of me but recently it has been proving itself impossible to manage at times. An anxious over thinker is someone who will always try to keep themselves busy and when they cannot find things to fill their time, the overthinking begins. I have over thought conversations with people I have had months ago, compare how things were months ago and try to find a reason as to why they are so different now, find ways to express my feelings but then overthink why my feelings are ignored by others and creating narratives about situations in my head that are always the worst case scenario and believing them like they are true! I hate being a person that needs reassurance from others and then being upset with myself because I feel like I am just ruining relationships I worked so hard to have. IT'S FUCKING ENDLESS AND EXHAUSTING! I am working so hard on myself not just mentally but physically as well. I want to understand why my mind plays tricks on me, how I can take control and be the best version for my friends, family and myself! Now that you have had the pleasure of witnessing the 3 Round Boxing Match of Jordan, Let's go back to where this all steams from and the purpose of this entry. I don’t normally post pictures of myself because no matter my weight at the time or the outfit, I am very critical of myself. Some may say I’m down right abusive and cruel. This journey has tested my strengths, helped to reveal old wounds and weaknesses, and encouraged me to finally put myself first. Today I reached a milestone of losing 30lbs. I am back to my original weight before Covid hit (Fuck Covid btw) and as I look through my progress pictures I am shocked to see what our bodies are capable of achieving. I’ve never been able to take complements because I don’t believe them about myself or I feel like the person giving the compliment is just sugaring me up. We always wish we could see ourselves through other eyes and today I’m not looking for compliments, I’m sharing this because for the first time I feel like I can see how others see me. I’m a work in progress and I’m hopeful that this journey of not just looking at surface issues will lead me to a long lasting change.
Health Online defines self sabotage as “behavior or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do”. Now, I’m sure I’m not the only one who fits this definition to a tee and in all honesty I’ve been doing it for years. Weight loss: I sign up for Weight Watchers and start off really well in the morning. As the day continues, the stress begins to build and I find myself in the pantry binge eating on chocolate and crap. This then begins what I like to call food guilt. I stuff my face in a moment of stress and anxiety to then feel guilty later on because I have been working so hard to be good. Friendships: I build strong relationships with friends and go out of my way to help and support them. Soon my brain begins to overthink. Would they be willing to do the same for me? Do I come off as being too needy with the amount of anxiety and stress that I carry? Am I putting too much effort forth with helping that I’m just getting used? Let’s be real, this list of questions goes through my brain endlessly. Rather than embracing the relationships I have, I find every way that I could be hurt or taken advantage of. Resulting in pushing people away when I could use them the most. Comparison: Holy shit this is all I do, and it’s mostly centered around my weight. When I hang out with friends I think to myself, damn I’m the biggest person here. One of my biggest fears with returning to in person learning is my students and co-workers looking at me and thinking that I didn’t just gain the COVID 15, but rather the COVID 40. I really enjoyed getting dressed up for work and doing my hair and make up. I liked being an example for my students. But with the bank being tight, and my clothes not fitting, the desire to dress up is gone. Trying to find clothes that fit would just send me down a spiral of comparisons and “what if’s”. Self Doubt: The expectations and standardsI set for myself are very high. When I fail to meet those, the self doubt and negative self talk starts rolling in. I’m not good enough to do this. Wow I really messed up, I’m just a terrible person. Oh, I made this one grammatical error, people must think I’m so stupid. What then starts to happen is I take that self doubt and negative self talk and start to believe that every thought and action I do is what defines me as being the person I am. Being in education, we like to call this a “fixed mindset”. A fixed mindset is when people believe that their qualities are fixed traits and therefore believe they cannot be changed. The irony in this is as a teacher I try to teach my students about the difference between a fixed and growth mindset, yet I can’t seem to find it in me to fix my own. In my journey to transition to a growth mindset, I am starting with changing my thoughts and action. Key recommendations from developinggoodhabits.com for fixed mindset individuals to try are as follows: 1. Acknowledge and embrace your weaknesses 2. View challenges as opportunities 3. Prioritize learning over seeking approval 4. Cultivate a sense of purpose 5. Reward effort and actions, not traits 6. Need for improvement does not mean failure 7. Remember that it takes time. These are just 7 of the 17 that they recommend. For many people these habits take time to become routine in our lives. I’m 26 and still learning as I go. Trying to accept everything is difficult and it’s even more difficult to pull yourself out of your never ending spiral- but it can be done. Have you ever read a book and felt like the author touched on every aspect of your life without even knowing you or your struggles. At the start of quarantine I started reading books by Rachel Hollis. One after the other, I felt like her hand would come out of her books and slap me across the face and would say “Jordan get out of your damn head. Your beautiful, smart, caring and your past doesn’t define your present”. I continued to read and find comfort in her advice. It made me feel grounded, like my negative thoughts and actions didn’t make me a crazy person. Rather they made me human. I wasn’t alone in feeling the way I feel and that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I continued to do more research and found that she does conferences and small group talks. Although COVID took many things, it allowed her original conference to go virtual and gave me the opportunity to see Rachel in her element. It was inspiring to say the least and tears were shed. I was left motivated to do better and be better for myself. You’d think that would have lasted longer but my Jordan spiral started and now we’re back at square one. I feel frustrated that my start over rate is pretty consistent but then I think to myself- I have the strength to keep starting over and there is nothing wrong with that. Rachel Hollis Website: https://thehollisco.com/ This weekend the gyms opened their workout classes back up. I was super excited because it meant getting back to somewhat of normal life and on days I don’t feel motivated to do my own workout, it’s nice to have the kick in the butt to show up to those. I got to class early and got everything set, I knew I wasn’t as strong as before so I picked lighter weights to see how my body would do. Although I was proud of myself for keeping up, the most frustrating part was just looking at myself in the mirror. The disappointment started to flood in as I felt like I was just a blob in workout clothes. The frustration grew as I feel like I’m doing everything in my power but everything wants to fight it. I drink more water, I’m on weight watchers and I have been consistently working out since October and there has been no change, just more weight gain, depressive thoughts and an uncontrollable mind. Not only do I fight my own thoughts about myself but then my assumption of everyone else’s (possible) thoughts about me add to it. Are friends going to see me the same when I return to work? I don’t fit into any of my clothes how can I afford to buy new ones? Have I ruined friendships with my anxiety and overthinking of how I assume they see me? Am I not beautiful enough to be loved or cared about? Do my thoughts and actions really give off a now horrible, depressive and anxious vibe? It’s never ending and it’s just been more constant.
As I sit in this tub and judge every part of my body, covering my stomach and new stretch marks with a wash rag, my thighs continue to get bigger and have more cellulite, I feel snug in the tub cause my arms are just to big to sit comfortably and it continues. I feel like I've motivated other but nothing works in my favor to make me feel any better. I’m starting to become frustrated and now other think what could be wrong with me. Blood work normal. Thyroid normal. The only explanation is medication or a secret tumor destroying my body (is what my brain manifests as a possible answer). I get that stress holds weight but shit how can we all not be stressed? Teachers are shit on after all we’ve had to adapt to and to make parents happy our health and families are completely ignored, people such as my husband are out of work and relying pay check to pay check in hopes of keep our heads above water, business are closing, and the only way to feel like your getting out of your house is making a tent in the living room to pretend like your at the theaters. 2020 blew and 2021 is starting to fall in its foot steps. I can’t fathom continuing life this way and feeling like I can’t put my make up on without looking at myself in a mirror and just crying at what I’ve turned into. I can journal, workout, eat better, read endless books, draw or confide in a friend but when do all those things start to work in my favor? When I can take a friend or families complement and really feel like it is true? I feel stuck, frustrated and at my breaking point and no matter how many times I hear “it’s going to be okay!” I can’t seem to find the silver lining in that. |
aUTHORS pURPOSE:My purpose of this blog isn't for the world to read about my ideas, thoughts or problems. Rather for me to self reflect and grow from the happy, sad and downright awful moments. ArchivesCategories |