Self Sabotage

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Health Online defines self sabotage as  “behavior or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do”.  Now, I’m sure I’m not the only one who fits this definition to a tee and in all honesty I’ve been doing it for years. 

Weight loss: I sign up for Weight Watchers and start off really well in the morning. As the day continues, the stress begins to build and I find myself in the pantry binge eating on chocolate and crap. This then begins what I like to call food guilt. I stuff my face in a moment of stress and anxiety to then feel guilty later on because I have been working so hard to be good.

Friendships: I build strong relationships with friends and go out of my way to help and support them. Soon my brain begins to overthink. Would they be willing to do the same for me? Do I come off as being too needy with the amount of anxiety and stress that I carry? Am I putting too much effort forth with helping that I’m just getting used? Let’s be real, this list of questions goes through my brain endlessly. Rather than embracing the relationships I have, I find every way that I could be hurt or taken advantage of. Resulting in pushing people away when I could use them the most.

Comparison: Holy shit this is all I do, and it’s mostly centered around my weight. When I hang out with friends I think to myself, damn I’m the biggest person here. One of my biggest fears with returning to in person learning is my students and co-workers looking at me and thinking that I didn’t just gain the COVID 15, but rather the COVID 40. I really enjoyed getting dressed up for work and doing my hair and make up. I liked being an example for my students. But with the bank being tight, and my clothes not fitting, the desire to dress up is gone. Trying to find clothes that fit would just send me down a spiral of comparisons and “what if’s”. 

Self Doubt: The expectations and standardsI set for myself are very high. When I fail to meet those, the self doubt and negative self talk starts rolling in. I’m not good enough to do this. Wow I really messed up, I’m just a terrible person. Oh, I made this one grammatical error, people must think I’m so stupid. What then starts to happen is I take that self doubt and negative self talk and start to believe that every thought and action I do is what defines me as being the person I am. 

Being in education, we like to call this a “fixed mindset”. A fixed mindset is when people believe that their qualities are fixed traits and therefore believe they cannot be changed. The irony in this is as a teacher I try to teach my students about the difference between a fixed and growth mindset, yet I can’t seem to find it in me to fix my own. In my journey to transition to a growth mindset, I am starting with changing my thoughts and action. 

Key recommendations from developinggoodhabits.com for fixed mindset individuals to try are as follows:
1. Acknowledge and embrace your weaknesses
2. View challenges as opportunities
3. Prioritize learning over seeking approval
4. Cultivate a sense of purpose
5. Reward effort and actions, not traits 
6. Need for improvement does not mean failure 
7. Remember that it takes time. 

These are just 7 of the 17 that they recommend. For many people these habits take time to become routine in our lives. I’m 26 and still learning as I go. Trying to accept everything is difficult and it’s even more difficult to pull yourself out of your never ending spiral- but it can be done. 

Have you ever read a book and felt like the author touched on every aspect of your life without even knowing you or your struggles. At the start of quarantine I started reading books by Rachel Hollis. One after the other, I felt like her hand would come out of her books and slap me across the face and would say “Jordan get out of your damn head. Your beautiful, smart, caring and your past doesn’t define your present”.  I continued to read and find comfort in her advice. It made me feel grounded, like my negative thoughts and actions didn’t make me a crazy person. Rather they made me human. I wasn’t alone in feeling the way I feel and that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I continued to do more research and found that she does conferences and small group talks. Although COVID took many things, it allowed her original conference to go virtual and gave me the opportunity to see Rachel in her element. It was inspiring to say the least and tears were shed. I was left motivated to do better and be better for myself. You’d think that would have lasted longer but my Jordan spiral started and now we’re back at square one.

 I feel frustrated that my start over rate is pretty consistent but then I think to myself- I have the strength to keep starting over and there is nothing wrong with that.

Rachel Hollis Website: https://thehollisco.com/