Not Always Rainbows & Sunshine

This weekend the gyms opened their workout classes back up. I was super excited because it meant getting back to somewhat of normal life and on days I don’t feel motivated to do my own workout, it’s nice to have the kick in the butt to show up to those. I got to class early and got everything set, I knew I wasn’t as strong as before so I picked lighter weights to see how my body would do. Although I was proud of myself for keeping up, the most frustrating part was just looking at myself in the mirror. The disappointment started to flood in as I felt like I was just a blob in workout clothes. The frustration grew as I feel like I’m doing everything in my power but everything wants to fight it. I drink more water, I’m on weight watchers and I have been consistently working out since October and there has been no change, just more weight gain, depressive thoughts and an uncontrollable mind. Not only do I fight my own thoughts about myself but then my assumption of everyone else’s (possible) thoughts about me add to it. Are friends going to see me the same when I return to work? I don’t fit into any of my clothes how can I afford to buy new ones? Have I ruined friendships with my anxiety and overthinking of how I assume they see me? Am I not beautiful enough to be loved or cared about? Do my thoughts and actions really give off a now horrible, depressive and anxious vibe? It’s never ending and it’s just been more constant.

As I sit in this tub and judge every part of my body, covering my stomach and new stretch marks with a wash rag, my thighs continue to get bigger and have more cellulite, I feel snug in the tub cause my arms are just to big to sit comfortably and it continues. I feel like I've motivated other but nothing works in my favor to make me feel any better. I’m starting to become frustrated and now other think what could be wrong with me. Blood work normal. Thyroid normal. The only explanation is medication or a secret tumor destroying my body (is what my brain manifests as a possible answer).

I get that stress holds weight but shit how can we all not be stressed? Teachers are shit on after all we’ve had to adapt to and to make parents happy our health and families are completely ignored, people such as my husband are out of work and relying pay check to pay check in hopes of keep our heads above water, business are closing, and the only way to feel like your getting out of your house is making a tent in the living room to pretend like your at the theaters. 2020 blew and 2021 is starting to fall in its foot steps. I can’t fathom continuing life this way and feeling like I can’t put my make up on without looking at myself in a mirror and just crying at what I’ve turned into. I can journal, workout, eat better, read endless books, draw or confide in a friend but when do all those things start to work in my favor? When I can take a friend or families complement and really feel like it is true? I feel stuck, frustrated and at my breaking point and no matter how many times I hear “it’s going to be okay!” I can’t seem to find the silver lining in that.