She Was Always Beautiful

“She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn’t beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down in her soul. She was beautiful.”

                                                                                                                            -F. Scott Fitzgerald

My weight loss has been a continuous journey of trial and error. This time has felt like a 3 round boxing match between myself and my anxiety, my thoughts and my ability to overthink everything.

Round 1: My Anxiety 

My anxiety is unpredictable and most of the time it is hard to predict the cause. Once that switch is activated it can take on many forms and come off in many different ways:

• Feeling overwhelmed by a list of small tasks
• Obsessively think the same thoughts over and over
• Feeling like I am not equipped to be an adult
• Overthinking my social interactions 
• Feeling like everything is too much to process
• Biting my nails, lip, or grinding my teeth 
• Stressing for hours on things that take minutes to do
• Worrying over others feelings when they hurt me
• Unable to enjoy the moment
• Insecurities are heightened 
• Difficulty sharing my feelings, emotions and asking for things
• Seeking reassurance with people who I feel closest to
• Sleeping to shut it off

Clearly you can see my point. It's sometimes manageable and on other occasions it consumes my days, weeks and months. It takes me away from not only myself but also the people around me. I feel bad for those who have to face the wrath of my anxiety monsters. Rather than focusing on how to help myself through my anxiety, I tend feel guilty with how I treat people closet to me when I cannot manage anxiety, which then spirals me into My Thoughts..... Ding Ding Round 2 here we come. 

Round 2: My Thoughts

When my anxiety cannot be managed and the guilt of how I come off to others cannot be contained, my thoughts tend to take control. My brain wants to take me on a journey to every possible scenario as to why I maybe anxious, why I responded to a message a certain way, why I should or shouldn't have done something, or why I am feeling a certain way. I call this the never ending spiral, where my growth mindset transitions to a fixed mindset and everything feels unmanageable and unfixable. Over the last few months my thoughts have ruined my ability to communicate with my closet friends, my ability to stay consistent with my eating and remaining active, and my ability not to get frustrated over conversations not going as planned. As I go through therapy and learning new skills to understand what my thoughts and mind are trying to accomplish, I realize that I cannot make people like me nor can I chase those who promised they would stick around. Changes happen whether we like them or not and I need to accept the things I cannot change and appreciate those who have stuck around rather than feeling like a burden. With all these changes now my thoughts turn into obsessively overthinking everything. 

Round 3: My Ability to Overthink Everything 

My ability to overthink everything has always been apart of me but recently it has been proving itself impossible to manage at times. An anxious over thinker is someone who will always try to keep themselves busy and when they cannot find things to fill their time, the overthinking begins. I have over thought conversations with people I have had months ago, compare how things were months ago and try to find a reason as to why they are so different now, find ways to express my feelings but then overthink why my feelings are ignored by others and creating narratives about situations in my head that are always the worst case scenario and believing them like they are true! I hate being a person that needs reassurance from others and then being upset with myself because I feel like I am just ruining relationships I worked so hard to have. IT'S FUCKING ENDLESS AND EXHAUSTING! I am working so hard on myself not just mentally but physically as well. I want to understand why my mind plays tricks on me, how I can take control and be the best version for my friends, family and myself!
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Now that you have had the pleasure of witnessing the 3 Round Boxing Match of Jordan, Let's go back to where this all steams from and the purpose of this entry. I don’t normally post pictures of myself because no matter my weight at the time or the outfit, I am very critical of myself. Some may say I’m down right abusive and cruel. This journey has tested my strengths, helped to reveal old wounds and weaknesses, and encouraged me to finally put myself first.

Today I reached a milestone of losing 30lbs. I am back to my original weight before Covid hit (Fuck Covid btw) and as I look through my progress pictures I am shocked to see what our bodies are capable of achieving. I’ve never been able to take complements because I don’t believe them about myself or I feel like the person giving the compliment is just sugaring me up. We always wish we could see ourselves through other eyes and today I’m not looking for compliments, I’m sharing this because for the first time I feel like I can see how others see me. I’m a work in progress and I’m hopeful that this journey of not just looking at surface issues will lead me to a long lasting change.